Once again, I’ve been lax in my coverage of the Simianista conflicts. Today, though, comes news of a biological threat that should prompt leadership to raise the threat level meter by a banana or two.
Performing monkeys in Asia carry viruses that could jump species to humans
Some urban performing monkeys in Indonesia are carrying several retroviruses that are capable of infecting people, according to a new study led by University of Washington researchers. The results indicate that contact with performing monkeys, which is common in many Asian countries, could represent a little-known path for viruses to jump the species barrier from monkeys to humans and eventually cause human disease.
How very charming. Not only are those little organ grinder capuchins picking your pocket, they’re giving you autoimmune diseases!
—
Then there comes news of a “win” for our side in England: Runaway Chimp Shot Dead
The statement from the police is hilariously deadpan:
A police spokesman later confirmed: “A zoo marksman has shot the chimp dead. The public concern can now abate.”
Gotta say, my money goes to any zoo that employs a full-time marksman. I wonder if the coppers’ statement belies the fact that they were a bit miffed that somebody else got to off the chimp first…?
I had no idea those bastards had a biowarfare program. This is what we get for teaching them to smoke and use sign language.
The US State Department refused to comment on their lack of a preemptive strike. However, the fact that these Simianistas are not members of a sovereign nation may have been their saving grace. It has been the Bush administration’s policy to ONLY attack sovereign nations, leaving unaffiliated runaway terrorist clans to do harm in any way they see fit.
The Department of Homeland Security would not confirm, nor deny, that the Chimp Marksman was an undercover Federal Air Marshal (FAM) working in a PP, DOHS shorthand for Practice Post. FAM PP’s are considered TS. ASAP, we will have a full TPS report available.